I am as always, wiped out. How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. I have a ways to go. Ill see you in 20 minutes. I hope you are safe. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead childs costume. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. He is someone you loved so much. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. How do I even put into words, who he is? Ronan. I love you to the moon and back. on Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. We have about one idea for a first name. Finally, late last night, I started to feel better. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. Those two, will always go by their nicknames. Im hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. I know he feels the same way that I do, that this book is not only our beautiful, tragic love story, but it is another way to spread awareness as well. He asked me why I looked so perplexed. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you wont let ANYONE take care of you., me: I hate that you know me so well. I am awake now. She is a wonderful doctor. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. I needed the blackness of the night that only exists due to this little frienemy of mine. I chose to see you today. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Well, how are you going to Fuck Cancer if you are sick? the chuckling begins. P.S. Especially during the holidays. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Thank you for never forgetting my little guy who continues to inspire you daily. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. I think its a big part of the missing piece of the puzzle of this sometimes detached from emotion reality that these doctors live in. 1 comment. I miss you. You are alone. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. I would have loved every second of cleaning you off. Her little face is all filled out. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. Because that would have been totally acceptable! Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppys Godfather, said to me a while ago, You know its going to be a circus. I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. How do I even put into words, who he is? She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. Im in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. Macy. I met a friend this morning for coffee. Me: I couldnt talk so I didnt. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. Please, Ronan. Danielle. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. You know that I will never stop worrying about this baby having cancer, ever. Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. I hope you are safe. "My darling. little man. Alright little man. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. Who is the jackass that made up that wise saying? That pain becomes less as time goes on. I was only there, for you. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. Because I know you would want it to be this way. I started to cry. Of course I am happy to see them but its you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. It makes me feel happy. Thank you.. I do think this is true. Certainly not this nowhere of crying myself to sleep because I am so sad I got to do none of those things with you today. Not the other way around. Please work harder because there is a reason you are here. Throw up. You were a child. Come to my office. I met him there. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. It was a boy. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. I attempted to drive home but had to pull over mid way so I could bang my head against my steering wheel and cry. Such a little skeptic he is. With a lot of different things. To bond. But then I see your Urn staring back at me and I am quickly reminded that it is and there is nothing I can do about it, to bring you back. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. Dr. Sholler was not expecting it, but she smiled and seemed o.k. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. Bobby Eugene Nutt [1] (April 3, 1951 - June 8, 2017), better known by his ring name Ron Starr, was an American professional wrestler. He knows that too. I miss you so much. My brain/emotions are fried. I was out cold. His keys, our son, on our dresser. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support your foundation. I would actually like to take May 9th and make it a National holiday. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. As of now, I cant talk about our news. You are a writer, plain and simple. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. I went to see Dr. JoRo. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Tell me about your trip. I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. That I am sure of. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just dont have the natural ability that I have. While I was on my vacation in the Hamptons, I got that little email that everyone else got who signed our petition to turn The White House GOLD for just one day in September. Stacy. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright.
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