It's true! "Hey! 'Cause I got to tell you the truth, folks: when it comes to bullshit - big-time, major-league bullshit - you have to stand in awe, in AWE of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. George Carlin, 28. Everyones at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. Electricity is really just organized lightning. It's an ego defense. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? "Yes." 25. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. In this blog post, weve compiled some of his most compelling quotes on the subject for you to consider as well! 39. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. Sleepy was into reds. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. Must be another one of those miracles.. Nah. They should be giving their money to you. Nine years ago today we lost not only one of our better comics, but one of our most vital and intelligent voices. BAM! 21. The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah's Ark! Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. The middle class pays all of the taxis, does all of the work. Looking for the best George Carlin quotes? I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. He was paranoid on his own. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? 7. That kind of shit is very limiting for this brain we have. I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin, 44. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. Because you have the illusion of choice. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way They're privileges. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. George Carlin, 33. Original music by Dan Powell and Marion Lozano . Think about it: religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. If the parent corporation doesnt want you to know something, it wont be on the news. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. Its no secret that George Carlin was a bit of a political philosopher. And you can see their point: wouldn't want some guy to go to Hell, Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free home trial, and free parking. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. And you know something? Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. This page was last edited on 1 April 2023, at 02:51. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education. And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. ""Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle-class and lower-class men off to die. George Carlin, 78. They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. Why isn't selling fucking legal? ""Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? - George Carlin. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. And Bushis pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. It creates a hostile work environment. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Everything He ever makes dies., 9. Hope these quotes will give you a different perspective on government and how it works. ", "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf", Now, to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences. The truth is, we don't have people like that. Two. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. "Land of the Free," "Home of the Brave," "The American Dream," "All men are equal," "Justice is blind," "The Press is free," "Your vote counts," "Business is honest," "The good guys win," "The police are on your side," "God is watching you," "Your standard of living will never decline" and "Everything is going to be just fine:" the official national bullshit story. 60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes | Thought Catalog Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. 14. And sometimes it rains. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!". I'm gettin' tired of guys who smoke pipes. They want your fuckin' retirement money. But what's the alternative? Keep 'em showing up at those. Tell you a little secret about the blues; its not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that.
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